Untitled, unhappy, unsolved

Hey there. I know it has been a while since I’ve posted, and I apologize for that even though I “signed out” for both my illness and  the blog. Now, I have a confession to make and I’m not going to lie, but the last year have been hard on me and the people around me. I have not relapsed and gone down the old path of anorexia, but for the last year I’ve been severely depressed. Everything around me feels empty and meaningless. And I’m still trying to figure out the meaning of life and how I’m going to move forwards.

Even though I haven’t given into anorexia, I feel like a big failure for falling into the dark path of depression. After all of the energy and the recovery process I went through just to be happy and free from the disordered thoughts I had. And now I’m almost as deep down as when I was anorectic. Only with a 30 pounds difference. I’m embarrassed and sick of feeling unworthy, and every day feels like a battle against myself.  Facing my emotions and lack of emotions were tougher than I thought and my happy facade slowly faded.

At this point, getting a motivational tattoo for me and nobody else seems like the right thing for me to do. Since the last time I thought of this tattoo I was determined that I would only get the lettering. Vivi e lascia vivere (to live and let live). Now I’m thinking of incorporating a feather, who will symbolize my wish for freedom and the freedom of my destructive thoughts. And the freedom of putting the past behind me and to look forwards. Here is a few pictures of how I would like the tattoo to turn out:

 

   I would like a more realistic feather, but I love the idea of putting Vivi e lascia vivere over the feather. And I think this tattoo would look the best on the ribs like in the first photo.

 

An apologize seems suitable, but something I’ve learned on the path towards recovery is that life isn’t easy and it never will. And in some kind of way or another, there will always always be something in the way for happiness. If you let the difficulties define you, then you’re screwed.. If you don’t try to fix it.

 

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