The relationship with my father hasn’t been the best. I had allot of issues with my father, when I was at my worst with my anorexia. Therefore to put it behind me I wrote a letter to him. So he could understand me. Know how I felt. I have to add, while I wrote the letter I was bursting out in tears, every minute.
There is so much I havn’t told you. From that day I was born to the day I became a big sister, I felt that I was your girl. Your girl you backed up and I felt I was your princess. Your little princess with a pink dress, tiara and a magic wand. At that time I wanted to be a princess when I grew up. A real princess. We did everything together. We played together, was on fishingtrips together and you tought me that Manchester United was a lucky team. I rememer those days I crawled up unto bed with you on sunday mornings and fell asleep on your shoulder. We slept side by side. Both with a smile painted on our faces. But from that day when my little brother was born, I was no longer the center of the attention. It wasn’t only me. I have to admit that there was one time in life, I just wanted to through him into the garbage can.
I had grown allot, and I was about to start school. Mom was there with me, supporting me and couraging me. You were not there. Mommy watched my soccermatches and watched me perform as the leading role in the school play. I sang by myself, a solo. You were not there. I rememer that I was looking foreward to stand on the stage all by myself. To get all the attention. To hear the others whisper how great I was. You have missed many of the important moments in my life. And I feel that you are no there for me. Like it doesn’t matter. I know that you are my coach on my handballteam. But that is all that it is. The only thing that connect us together.
I hate that you run right over me in discussions. Anyhow wrong you are, the most important thing is that you are right. Or that you win. Just to make sure that you are the best. I know that you are really competitive, but we all are. I hate the times you swear and shout and makes allot of noice. It seems like it’s my fault. Even though I’m just at the wrong place at the wrong time. I hate when you tell me what to do, even though you’re not better at it. I have that you blame me for everything and lexture me, even though it wasn’t my fault. I hate the times when you tell me I could have done better. Things I can’t change. I hate the fact that you make me feel the pressure to accompish things. Even though you don’t mean to. I know you don’t mean that. But when I was really happy about myself, everything you said was “good”. Everything I did was just “good”. I absoulte hate the word “good”.
I never feel good enough. Even though you say so. I know you just said that to make me feel “good”, not because I was. I hate those times you forced me to compete in cross-contry run. You don’t know how much I hated you when I was about to start. I was furious. I hate those times you ask me how I’m doing. You always ask me as the anorectic Ingrid. The weak Ingrid. Always of how much I weigh and how I’m doing. You seem cold and harsh. It’s never; “Do you want to do something together” to get to know eachother better and pick it up from where we ended. Never do the energetic and high spirited Ingrid, deep inside me. Always the weak one. The fake person I’m not truly are.
I love you for being my dad. I have always loved you for being the young and handsome dad. One time, I wanted to be like you. Highly educated with a job you love. I have alway admired you and mom’s relationship. The love that you have for eachother. I love you for trying to be my father, without not really knowing how to be one. People aren’t all the same. We have different personalities and opinions. I love you for bringing me to the world. I would never done that by myself. You have to know that deep inside my heart I love you very much, even though there are things that I hate about you. You are you, and I truly love you.
I have to appologize for doing the opposite you tell me to do. It’s for my own best. I am om my way to find out who I am, after what I have gone throgh lately. When we did move allot it took a tall on me. To adapt to the surroundings and get new friends. To walk away from good friends is never easy. To know that you will never be able to see them again. Everything hurted. I’ve been a quiet person to hide the vulnerable and sad part of me, from others. When I do the opposite that you tell me to do, it’s only to find the real me. In the end I will assure you that I keep the essense of me. Just a better person. I hope I can one day say, “This is me.” and embrace it. You have to understand that I am trying my very best to become healty again. And you have to understand that I always will be your little pricess.