If I was..

December 9, 2010

If I was a color I’d be silver.

If I was a number I’d be four.

If I was an animal I’d be a swan.

If I was a song I’d be “A Drop In the Ocean – Ron Pope”

If I was a piece of clothes I’d be a Versace dress.

If I was a shoe I’d be skyhigh with diamonds.

If I was wether I’d be rain.

If I was a celeb I’d be Megan Fox.

If I was a dream I’d be the the king of the world.

If I was a princess I’d be Belle from the Beauty and the Beast.

If I was a drink I’d be cocoa.

If I was one kind of food I’d be avocado.

If I was a season I’d be summer.

If I was a photography I’d be black and white.

If I was a flower I’d be a lotus.

If  I was a flavor I’d be liquirice.

If I was a smell I’d be sweet.

If I was a feeling I’d be melancholy.

Tattoo update

November 18, 2010

I have gotten so much great feedback about the tattoo post I posted a long time ago, and I thought I could update you guys. Since I fully recovered, I want this tattoo more than ever and I know exactly what I’m going to get. But unfortunately I have to wait until I’m 18, when I can make my own decisions and be responsible for myself. ( Yes, that’s my mom’s words). It is this phrase that means a lot to me and it takes me back to the time when I was at my darkest point, but still I wanted to recover. Maybe I told you this before, but I’ll say it again. It’s Italian and is “Vivi e lascia vivere” and it means to live and let live.

When I was at my lowest weight, I had no hope and I just wanted to give up on life. But when I realized that people cared for me and I couldn’t leave them behind. So I started trying to get my life back on track, and on the way towards recovery I found the beauty of life. The beauty of life wasn’t about being the skinniest I could be and be the most perfect person, but it was about enjoying the things that came along in life and experience every aspect of life. I wanted to live, and I wanted to see so much great things. I wanted to have a food fight, visit Paris, kiss in the rain and learn how to surf. I wanted to do it all. Life isn’t something to just throw away, but to really be lived. And to know that the day you die, you will have no regrets.

This is a sketch of the possible tattoo. And I think that the greatest placement for it is across my upper back and a small version of this:

And yes, I will post it when I’ve got it done, so be continued …

I’m free

November 2, 2010

My path

I’m on the right path

the path towards the eternal happiness

It has always been inside me,

just waiting to burst.

 

And now I’m here

and it’s the same feeling like when the wind blows through my hair

but it’s greater.

It’s more beautiful and more magnificent

than I could imagine.

Now I realize,

I’m free

My dream, my life

June 1, 2010

I don’t remember if I have told you guys, but I didn’t make into the exchange program to the US. Yes, it truly hurt so much when I got the message, that they denied my application just because I had been sick in the past. If you ask me, I think that is just bulls**t. Those who have beaten anorexia or any other eating disorder, are stronger than than most people. They have gone through hell, and managed to dig a hole and crawled out. I think I am stronger that most people I know. “What doesn’t kill you can only make you stronger”.

But this summer, I’m not letting that stop living my dreams. I desided to move foreward, and take my dreams in mye own hands. I’m going away for a month to spend time in California. I’m going to enjoy myself, get to know new and exiting people, go to the beach almost everyday, go shopping as often I can, surf the waves of Long Beach, go to San Francisco, and just take in all the great experieces California has to offer.

Inspiration of the day

May 17, 2010

This is some inspiration of the day. While I was in the recovery prosess, I wrote poems. A lot of poems. Just to get my emotions and motivation written down in black and white. Some of the poems also gives me drive today to walk proudly down the path of life and achieve my goals and dreams. Because life itself is a unsteady road with allot of obstacles. And we should all remember that we all have flaws, but we also have the ability to make something out of yourself. Dream big, or go home!

Lots of love, me.

Focus on lyrics

May 9, 2010

Last week I had  an exam in English and I chose to write about some of the songs that are important to me. And I gave it the headline: “Moving further… in life”

The songs I have chosen lie close to my heart and they have played an important part in my life and have made me the person I am today. So, songs can actually change people and make them see the world with other eyes. And I know that the song, “Running Away” by Midnight Hour, also have touched a lot of people. The other song I have chosen, “Courage is…“ by The Strange Familiar, express the same message as “Running Away” and it have a strong vibe to it. “Running Away” is about wanting to run away from an awful place in it’s life and the wish for a new start. And “Courage is…” is about having a really hard time, but wanting to improve the situation by having the courage to make a change. So basically, the similarities are clear.

“Running Away” by Midnight Hour
It is a slow, but dramatic melody, which captures the sense of the song. It’s about running away from a horrible place in life and the decision of leaving it all behind. And the thought of making a new start and of never wanting back again stands clear. “I’m leaving you behind with the past. No, I won’t look back.” To me, personally, the song represented that the only thing I could do, was to look forward and make a change in my life so I could live the life I always wanted. The dream of being free and independent made me realize that I had to change to be happy again. I was leaving it all behind and managed to get a new start and a new life.


It continually repeats “running away” and it symbolizes a run for life. But at the same time she wants the past to understand that it can’t stay, because of the things that lies ahead. There’s a future that is there to be lived and a life to create. A happy life, in contrast of the life that had been lived, was lying there in the right before her.

“Courage is…” by The Strange Familiar
The song symbolizes something bad, wanting to turn out great. The “she-person” wants to get rid of her doubts and excuses for living in her fears. It’s hard for her to leave it all behind, but she says to herself that if she only has courage she can overcome the obstacles. It doesn’t matter if you have been knocked down, the only thing that counts is that she gets back up (quote lyrics). People who haven’t lived through difficulties don’t have the same strength and courage as the ones who have really suffered. The ones who have suffered know how to have the courage to do so much in life. Like in the saying: “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”.


The song underline that it’s not always the survival of the fittest that counts. “It’s not how high he flies, but the song he sings.” It’s not how strong and beautiful you can be on the outside, but what counts is the inside. The strength and the courage you gain, becomes the beauty and the knowledge inside of you.

“Running Away” and “Courage is…”
The pair of them has the same deeper meaning and they both have slow music to set the mood. The music changes tempo, and marks a change in the song. The dramatic part makes us realize the lost situation the she is situated in. Yes, it hurts, but yes it’s a way out. But only if there is a desire to improve and make a leap out hope, there will be something better lying before her.

Both songs symbolize change and the strength to make a change. They both see the reality around them and they want to have the courage and strength to stive after something better. For me they symbolize wanting a new start and knowing that nothing is perfection. And perfection isn’t the way to live your life, because it’s your family and friends around you that truly counts. I’d rather live an imperfect life living, than a perfect life almost dead.

Being in the situation that the two texts are about makes me today realize how bad the situation was for me back then. The two songs inspired me to continue on the path towards recovery and made me realize that it actually was possible to be healthy again. The shame of feeling the way I did disappear and opened my eyes that I wasn’t the only one struggling. The message of leaving this place, this horrible place, hit me and said to me that it was time to let go of the past. It wasn’t the time for me to stay in the past, but for me to run towards the future. So I gained hope, and said to myself; “It’s not how many times you’ve been knocked down. It’s how many times you get back on.” The courage slowly raised and the strength grew stronger and stronger gradually. There was a way out, and the future sparkled brighter than ever. It’s strange how much impact a few songs can have on people and how songs can save lives. It only takes courage and the drive to change to improve every situation.

Behind the scenes of anorexia and recovery

February 1, 2010

It’s so long since I’ve posted something here. I guess I said I had moved on in my life, and to focus on other things like writing this recovery blog. The tiredness, and exhaution and the feeling of writing the same things over and over again made me leave. I felt like helping myself before I helped others. And that was a great move. Now, I’m 100 % recovered, and I can’t tell you how much my life has changed. I feel like another person, in another life. The feeling of feeling worthless and fat, is gone.Therefore I thought of making a video of the prosess of the recovery. I think in the future, there will be more motivation videos which I post on my channel on Youtube.com, Thelotusness.

The new chapter in my life

October 8, 2009

I have started blogging  another blog. I write about my way to America as an exchange student, and it’s kind of my new chapter in life. But, at that blog I write in Norwegian, so for you who aren’t Norwegian or understand Norwegian, I’m sorry.

http://toamericawithlove.ipublish.no

birdcage

I’m leaving. Leaving this chapter in my life. It’s the end.

September 21, 2009

I feel like writing this. Mabye it isn’t good for me. But right now I don’t care of what I should and shouldn’t do. I finally feel that I am almost at the end of the road. After blood and tears. After all the hurtful things I have gone through. All the shit I have dealed with, inside and out.

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I know, I hate reading this stuff on others blogs. That they have no time left for their little “blogbubble”, because that is what it really is. . It’s time to be real. Go out, and embrace the reality and life. I feel like this is the end. The end of the anorexic chapter in my life. I am me again. Finally. I want to embrace it, for better and for worse. I am finally ready. Ready to spread my wings and take of. To go to unlimited hights.

Actually it’s sad. I’m sad to leave you all alone. I will miss you. All of your positive comments and support. Right now  I’m actually sitting here crying. Crying by myself. Thinking of how my life will be. How much I have grown. And how strong and independent I have become.

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I know I will regret this, leaving you all behind. But later I will thank myself, letting completely go of my anorexia. And  Iwill let you guys know that you probably will see me in the US next year. Because there is where I’m heading. To the states. To the land of the free. And that has been my ultimate motivation. To follow my dream. And that has been one of my biggest dreams. To go to the US as an exchange student. And now I feel that I am ready. It’s time.

It’s time for me to go. Take care everybody.I will carry you inside my heart, as clichè as it sounds.

I’m finally worthy. Worthy of happiness, life and love. Just to live life. And be myself.

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1 year has gone..

September 9, 2009

I have been in recovery for 1 year today. And  am so proud of what I have achieved this year. It have been a real turn operation for me!

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